The Willingness To Express Insecurity

I wrote this after watching Finding Forrester.  I tried to follow William Forrester’s advice, and just write my first draft with my heart.  I don’t think I have ever written over 1,000 words this quickly.  Sorry William, but my head sees no need for a second draft.  That’s what my heart said.

Too often, because of our insecurities, we perceive conflict where there is none.  That is how conflict arises.  Sometimes I wonder, how willing will a stranger be to open up to me.  Why am I so afraid of being turned down?  Am I as afraid of being turned down as I am of turning someone down?  Perhaps not equally afraid, but I am certainly afraid of both dearly.  The only time I ever turn people down is when they have already turned me down, except not in such an overt manner.  In that case, I do not believe it is an insecurity on my part.  It is the other person’s insecurity which causes them to turn me down, at least that is what I perceive or perhaps it is what is true.  Perhaps that explanation helps me better deal with my own insecurities.  But what is our friendship worth if we can not share our insecurities.  Indeed, that was the source of my original insecurity about the relationship and the reason I felt the need to express myself in a more overt manner.  If most of what I have to express are insecurities then, as a friend, you should permit me to express them.  Permit is the wrong word.  You should embrace.  You should relish that I trust you enough to express them.  You think I am being egocentric?  How so?  Frienship is a two way street.  I am open to all your insecurities as well.  I am open to your insecurities even if you are not open to mine.  In that case, I get to keep all my insecurities bottled up and bottle up yours as well, which I will do.  Because what is yours is mine even if what is mine is not yours.  Perhaps I can help alleviate your insecurities so that they no longer remain insecurites but rather roots of strength in which you find purpose and meaning.  From that meaning you extract a sense of power and agency which you will use to transcend your current circumstances, of course never forgetting where you came from but always capable of transforming where you are going.  And then, what then?  Then you spread your wealth of knowledge and experience to others, others who are held down by the internal and external structures which foster their insecurities.  Encourage them to critically think, to question what is considered normal and neutral and radical,to formulate their own views of what is normal, neutral, and radical,  then to actively intervene in their own lives and the lives of those who are suffering with so that there is a normal, neutral, and radical of the past, and therefore a new normal, radical, and neutral of the present and the future.  If this is not allowed within the confines of our relationship, then our relationship is worth nothing.  To you, it is neutral, blank, undisturbable, impenetrable, and bland.  You are constantly reticent, on the lookout, ready to pounce, prepared to dig in your spiked heels and resist progress, growth, change, and most importantly, love.  Love has not conquered all and until it has your herculean efforts to perpetuate the status quo represent a gross act of violence against the desire of the human spirit to transcend its current state and enable love to conquer all.  No, I am not some idealistic freak.  To be skeptical of idealism and simultaneously relish in that skepticism is cruel.  If it were not cruel and guided by evil intentions, then you would just agree to join me and banish your skepticism right then and there.  After all, one is the way to two and two is the way to two hundred and two hundred is the way to two million and two million is the way to twenty million and twenty million is the way to two hundred million.  In our democracy, a critical mass has more power than all the concentrated money in the world.  The primary enemy of idealism being realized by a critical mass is your skepticism to join and help me rally the critical mass in the first place.  The fact that it is idealistic does not imply that it is impossible.  Indeed, you are the only one standing in its way.  Idealism is hope.  Acting on idealism is love.  Idealism without action is not emptiness.  It is a constant and paralyzing insecurity that is enabled by other insecurities.  Internal conflict ensues, and you feel as if you are divided against yourself.  Indeed you are.  Are you depressed?  You told him that you did not feel depressed, that the magic elixir had done its job.  Perhaps you are depressed, but maybe you are not as aware anymore.  You have lost your sense of self, your sense of caring about belonging that used to define you.  Whatever floats your boat, run of the mill, whatever happens, happens, let it run its course and there is nothing you or anyone else can do about it.  But will that course ever stop running if you do not stop it?  What is the end result of that course?  Or is there an end result?  No, you are stuck in a course of perpetual paralysis of which you are not aware, and if you are not aware then you have no power to stop it.  Ah, perhaps skepticism is not the problem then.  Complacency is then the enemy of idealism.  But consider from where does your complacency origninate?  Your complacency originates from ignorace.  That would be the ignorance which originated from the magic elixir.  That would the magical elixir which originated from the powers that be, the powers that exist to keep you, their host, in a state of parasitic complacency which they relentless feed off of to fuel their greedy and selfish ambitions.  Now which one of us is egocentric?  There is conflict.  You do possess many insecurities  But you do not gain strength, power, agency, a sense of idealism, the ability and willingness to actively intervene, to banish structural inefficiencies, to spread love, by not sharing them, by not expressing them openly.  What would you do without your insecurities and the willingness to express them?

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I write to dialogue. So please, let's engage each other in some dialogue.

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